Midget Chronicles

2007-08-09T22:58:00.000-04:00

I just finished Memoirs of a Geisha and I can’t help but to feel very deeply touched by this book. It’s not about the vivid details or the way it was so beautifully worded, but towards the end, I found myself feeling somewhat like the geisha, Sayuri.

I could sit here and write quotes from the book until my fingers bleed, but I won’t. This book should be read so that you can find your own significance with in it. This book touched me more so towards the end in a more personal way.

I feel like a geisha, only I do not receive fine gifts or entertain men. I feel like one in a sense that I have put a man’s well-being and comfort before mine. I, technically, am with a married man. He spends his nights with me most of the time, and could have been the mother of his illegitimate child. To make his life easier, I chose another route, similar to Mameha.

It makes me wonder….. about destiny, life, and the choices we make. How I learn to carry myself, how to present myself, and how to hide myself. Putting myself between men, trying to keep out of the way of a friendship, and finding myself in a place that seems so far away from where I would want to be or could have been.

I sit here wondering; is this really what my life has come to be?

I’m lost in my thoughts for the night…

jefferson starship

2007-07-29T22:41:00.001-04:00

One of My favorite 80's movies/ songs

2007-07-28T21:48:00.001-04:00

When you give a shilling to a beggar - do you realize that you are giving it to yourself? When you help a lame dog over a stile - do you realize that you yourself are being helped? When you kick a man when he is down - do you realize that you are kicking yourself? Give him another kick - if you deserve it! - Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei

2007-07-05T23:02:00.000-04:00

Venting...

WARNING: lack of oxygen to the brain can cause major lapses in judgment....

Trust - or lack there of- can cause some serious issues. I’m not even touching that can of worms yet…

I think I have made considerable progress in expressing my emotions in the past few months, and I am at the point where I can say what's on my mind a lot sooner and easier.

(I could easily have been compared to a soda bottle that was rolled down 30 flights of steps... the pressure I had built up in my bottle of a body was seriously fatal to the person who opened it)

I guess I need to figure out how to be more articulate. Being blunt to people who want you to say what you're feeling is not always the smart way to go...

I got dubbed the wife today, but to be called such a thing and not really be that character is unhealthy. If an actor is to play a role, should he not act the part? But in playing such role, the actor must remember that it is just that.... ACTING

As dramatic as I can be, I am not that good of an actress. Do not give me a role and once I am in full character, so to speak, you decide it's not the right part and take it away. You want the perks of the full show but then can't handle the added fees and maintenance that comes with it...

Interesting, I feel like I'm playing a new role in a rerun show. Same episode, same time frame, same issues, new character...

How will the end of this show go??? Will the month of July pass with a positive note... Or will history repeat itself???

Who knows.... Just pass me the script so I know what happens next

..... feels good write again.....

2007-06-26T07:49:00.001-04:00

Is repetitive action virtuous action? If behaviour and conduct are merely repetitive processes then all human relationships actually cease. If I behave mechanically every day, - repeating a certain code of conduct which I have learnt, which I find profitable, or which is pleasant, repeating that over and over again, - my relationship with you ceases, completely - I have become a machine. - J. Krishnamurti

2007-04-29T21:24:00.001-04:00

Keep it simple; as simple as posible, but no simpler. - Albert Einstein

2007-04-19T17:42:00.000-04:00

April showers bring May Flowers......

The past month and a half have been very interesting, taking turns I didn't imagine would happen and of self discovery.

1. I am preparing to become a teacher, going to take the LAST and CST test, planning on passing them and begin a new chapter of my life as a NYC Teacher.

2. My car got stolen but shyt happens and life must go on.

3. Life as I know it has changed in a very short period of time and the once impossible is now possible.

4. Today I am continuing to learn to confront my fears and how to handle them and TALK.

I feel like I was trapped in a whirl wind of confusion and that I lost myself in obsession. I have learned how to breathe and take it 20 minutes at a time (one day is just tooo much).

Those closest to me have been a great support and help through my ups and downs and I am learning to let my EGO go. It hard to say it and realize that most of my problems came from my ego.

I also learned to let go and let God. That is the best thing to do. I was put here to live and learn from life and not let it and the circumstances take me over. I let something take me over for a few months and I have let it go. If it comes back in any way shape or form then I must handle it as best I can with my right mind.

To love some one is to love me and to love them means to love all of them and all of me.

I hold some anger but that is because of left over fear and I am learning not to give it power, because then my fears will become a reality.

I am trying not to look for trouble I don't want.

I have to see that blessings come in many shapes and forms and its all about how you see things.

I learned to look at some one and see something totally new I never saw before and fall in love all over again.

I learned to let things be and everything will be ok

I can't change the past, re-write history, or erase anything that happened before today, but I accept what happened and I learn from my experiences...

I'm not fluffing anything up, I'm being real....

Spring is here and I'm letting me demons go!

If they come back I will fight! Harder then before!

I am God's workmanship, I am his living breathing poem, I can't fall victim to lifes circumstances.

2007-03-13T20:39:00.001-04:00

Let us live gladly! Quite certainly we are free to do it. Perhaps it is our only freedom, but ours it is, and it is only phenomenally a freedom. 'Living free' is being 'as one is'. Can we not do it now? Indeed can we not-do-it? It is not even a 'doing': it is beyond doing and not-doing. It is being as-we-are. This is the only 'practice'. 'All Else is Bondage; Non-Volitional Living' - Wei Wu Wei

2007-03-09T17:08:00.001-05:00

Be wise, disciplined and non-violent and you will find peace. Be aware both night and day, continue your practice, and you will attain Nirvana. - Buddha

2007-03-01T16:24:00.001-05:00

There seem to two kinds of searchers: those who seek to make their ego something other than it is, i.e. holy, happy, unselfish (as though you could make a fish unfish), and those who understand that all such attempts are just gesticulation and play-acting, that there is only one thing that can be done, which is to disidentify themselves with the ego, by realizing its unreality, and by becoming aware of their eternal identity with pure being. - Fingers Pointing Toward the Moon by Wei Wu Wei

2007-02-28T16:16:00.000-05:00

Todat's horoscope:

Your emotions may surprise you today, as unexpected things come cropping up out of nowhere. Take this time to smooth out the wrinkles in your current plan of attack in regard to your involvement with the world around you. A self-centered approach will create boundaries between you and those you wish to come closer to. Consider how your actions are affecting those you love and make any necessary adjustments in your approach.

2007-02-24T14:30:00.001-05:00

You are not happy because you are well. You are well because you arehappy. You are not depressed because trouble has come to you, but trouble has come to you because you are depressed. You can change your thoughts and feelings, and then the outer things will come to correspond, and indeed there is no other way of working. -- Emmet Fox

2007-02-20T15:14:00.000-05:00

THIS which is seeking is THAT which is sought, and THAT which is sought is THIS which is seeking. 'All Else is Bondage; Non-Volitional Living' - Wei Wu Wei

2007-02-16T16:57:00.000-05:00

Mediocrity always attacks excellence -- Guest on Oprah

Doll Face

2007-02-16T14:13:00.001-05:00

Makes you think about imiage... gotta love wooster for this one

2007-02-16T14:06:00.000-05:00

Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fibre of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.-- James Buckham

.....in the middle of a battle....

2007-02-15T15:20:00.001-05:00

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. - The Beatles

2007-02-15T15:19:00.001-05:00

Turn your mind away from things which are not permanent. - Buddha

2007-02-15T12:37:00.000-05:00

Woke up this moring realizing some more things... I'm funny and I make myself laugh!

One of my two "loves" is never going to happen and I had stated that at some point I would have to put up a fight for something I wanted, but in his case I would be fighting in vain...

Its a lose lose situation and I am mentally preparing myself to let him go.

The other one just a plain and simple asshole who has something wrong with his brain and lost the balls to deal with me cuz I'm so complicated (this is just my assumption here) and only contacts me after a month or two without good sex. I am worth more than that... Thanks

The basic problem with these two retards is they share me and a friendship in common... Only I would get myself into such a mess.

SO MY NEXT STEP IS TO SAY GOODBYE! The ride was great but I have to get my act together and say "thanks for the ride boys but no mas"

2007-02-15T12:36:00.000-05:00

Some day, in years to come, you will be wrestling with the greattemptation, or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But thereal struggle is here, now, in these quiet weeks. Now it is beingdecided whether, in the day of your supreme sorrow or temptation, you shall miserably fail or gloriously conquer. Character cannot be madeexcept by a steady, long continued process.-- Phillips Brooks (1835-1893) American Bishop

2007-02-15T00:57:00.000-05:00

A few more thoughts on LOVE....

I think I just might be a little difficult to love, but I have a little love left to give.

Trying to give it a shot again right after going through what feels like getting shot is hard as fuck.

Then actually falling makes it worse, and very confusing.

It is possible to love two people, because I love each differently and for different reasons.

But neither one can handle or entirely hold my heart... Its already fucked up enough... but once I started to give it something seemed to go wrong...

So what can I do... at this point I have run out of parts to give... They both have a good chunk

Can I have the parts back? No.
Do I want them back? Sometimes

Would I be happier with one or the other? No
Both have their good and bad parts and both are different.

Is there one I would be in a relatioship with seriously again? Yes and No... depends on the circumstances

Wish you knew what they thought? Sometimes, in instances like today yes.

Wish either one never happened? No, I learned a lot from both expereinces about myself. Wouldn't do anything differently.

Think you are ment to be with anyone? I donno, Whats ment to be will be in the end....

Just when you think you have no more to give, you find some little scrap left....

I feel weird today... have been feeling all damn day.
Its because I have been thinking about each one... not in comparison cuz I can't do that, but just thinking

Then realizing why at the current moment I am better off ALONE.

But a girl has needs, but I can't let that get the best of me (guilty of slipping in the past)...

I'm not a perfect person.... faaaaaaar from it. Why is it the when it is soooo wrong, it feel soooo right?

In embracing my new found womanhood, I want to be someone's important someone. I don't want to be someone's girl... I want to be their Woman, Companion, Friend, Lover(giggles),...you know that person...

I love glowing becaue i'm in love... I was there once and it was beautiful
I love knowing I'm perfect to someone just for an instant... I loved hearing it and it was like music

I love the fact that one day, if and when I have kids (or borrow someone elses), I will be able to say "hey kid I was in love before... twice"

God it feels good to write all this out.

Its weird today because while I think of one, the other one creeps up in the back.
I like it when its quiet in my life but not for too long or I get stir crazy. There is always a new drama, unfortunately... there is always something. I keep thinking its over but I have to make sure its really over and keep my foot down when I say things.

But in the back of my head I can't help but wonder if all this is really a bunch of bullshit and out there somewhere there is a man who is going to knock me so far off my socks in love that I won't know what hit me.

I know the day will come where I will have to fight for what I really want... I hope I don't realize it too late and that I fight in vain.

Sometimes I wish things were easy but itf it was easy would it be worth it? Sometimes I just want a quiet life....

What is love really anyway... "black is the color of my true love's hair" (thanks Nina Simone).... Deep down I know who he (love) was...

2007-02-15T00:21:00.000-05:00

So I survived Valentine's Day alone. Thank God its over. I spent all day yesterday making cards for people who won't get them (its snowed so I am not going outside anytime soon). I was doing fine all day and it seems that as soon as Feb 15th hit (23 min ago) I have started to have thoughts about this time last year.

I was a psycho girlfriend (now EX) and it wasn't fun. All those feelings of insecurity and confusion messed me up for the long haul. We didn't make it past the year mark cuz it all went down hill after February (I hate spelling this month... it annoys me cuz of my esl... just doesn't make sense when you say it... damn silent R).

I was thinking about the whole bull crap and I realized that I'm still hurting. It sucks... Nothing else to say about it but I'm trying to burry the hatchet. By hurting I mean the realtionship as a whole affected me, not just the part that made me go psycho.

"What you did in the past you gotta live with today" as Common put it in the song Faithful. I donno if he is dealing but I sure am.

I never wanna go back to being the person I was at that time in my life. I hated myself for because jealousy is an ugly ass look for me. I just wish men would be blunt, at least with me cuz then I would know what kinda shyt I was getting or got myself into.

I Love/Hate(ed) being in love. Thinking back to that time and that relationship burns a hole in my chest and brings tears to my eyes.

The worst feeling in the world is not being able to trust the person you gave your heart to.

So is it better to know when you are being deceived or is it better to live blindly?
Is is still deceit when the other person doesn't have a clue or what they don't know won't hurt them?
If its all going wrong, is it ok to just make things worse or shouldn't you just try to make things better?

I hate being taken advantage of... Please don't take advantage of me, even if its easy to do it. I'm nice but I'm not slow or stupid.

When its all said and done and you think its over, is it all really over?

(getting super irritated cuz my ipod earphones sound horrible)

I wish certain people would just be honest with themselves (out loud) and to the people they affect.

If its just about sex then make it clear. If its something else then make it clear. I HATE FUZZY.

I'm so frustrated and I think it all came about from reading an excert from Cicero's "On Duties."

Where is the sense of DUTY? ..... in the toilet for some... FUCK!!!! I HATE VALENTINES DAY JUST AS MUCH AS I HATE SPELLING FEBUARY!!!!! (yes is spelt it wrong)

I just want a lil Dedication... thanks Coltrane

Once again my theme song is RIcardo Arjona's "Amarte A Ti".... Amarte a ti no es lo mejor pero es perfecto.... Me hace sufrir, que buena suerte

Such is Life... What would it be without feelings... I'm glad to have felt the series of emotions I felt in 2006 from beginning to end....

When will it end...

Russian Rulet for a kiss anyone...

2007-02-13T17:41:00.000-05:00

2/13
We have only to eliminate the ego-notion by succeeding in the difficult task of understanding that it does not exist except as a notion. - Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei

2/12
The Noble Eightfold Path: Right Views, Right Thoughts, Right Speech, Right Conduct, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration.

2/11
And just as men depend upon A boat for traversing the sea, So does the mental body need The matter-body for occurrence. And as the boat depends upon The men for traversing the sea, So does the matter-body need The mental body for occurrence. Depending each upon the other The boat and men go on the sea. And so do mind and matter both Depend the one upon the other. 'Visuddhimagga' (XVIII, 36)

2007-02-13T15:03:00.000-05:00

All I want for tomorrow is a slow dance, a flower, and a kiss on the forehead.... That's it

Not to much to ask for right... hahaha

2007-02-07T13:35:00.001-05:00

Hard things are put in our way, not to stop us, but to call out ourcourage and strength.-- Anonymous

2007-02-07T13:34:00.001-05:00

Until a radical change takes place and we wipe out all nationalities, all ideologies, all religious divisions, and establish a global relationship - psychologically first, inwardly before organizing the outer - we shall go on with wars. - J. Krishnamurti

2007-02-07T00:04:00.000-05:00

Thoughts while watching Sex and the City and the movie The Beach:

I am starting to get comfortable being single... By that I mean no dating, no boyfriend, no possible boos... NOTHING... Its not that bad but....

......there are 7 days til Valentine's Day and I really shouldn't care... But I am a female and last year this time was really crappy for me but I shouldn't think about the past... Moving along, next Wednesday will be just another day.

I should be busying myself with more important things than a silly excuse to buy chocolates and get flowers and silly cards.

I wish I was on a beach somewhere... I hate the cold weather, but spring will be here soon.

I realized I like to travel so that I can temporarily run away with the hopes of coming back to something different. Sometimes I just wanna get up and run away really really really far but I worry about grown up things like money and food and a place to stay.

I wish I was still carefree, but I grew up and became somewhat conservative. This sucks...

I'm gonna eb 25 and so far this year, 2007, has be as turbulent as the bermuda triangle....

I really wish I was on an island somewhere with no phone, no computer, no nothing... just long enough for me to... i donno...

2007-02-03T13:58:00.001-05:00

Play your part in the comedy, but don't identify yourself with your role! - Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei

2007-02-02T13:18:00.000-05:00

Despite the appearance of being separate individuals, we are all connected to patterns of intelligence governing the cosmos. - Deepak Chopra

2007-02-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

Looking for jobs is soooo boring! I figured out I like marketing and thats a start I guess, but I gotta get my foot in the door. I had 2 interviews with a company and I have a 3rd one coming up... I AM THIS JOB! I WILL GET THAT JOB!... My motivational thinking as of late.... I really do want that job though, because I fit in very well with the company culture... AKA I don't have to dress up for work but still taken seriously... and there is room for upward movement. Its very horizontal and I know 2 people that I would be working with (sort of)

So I am busting my ass to get this job... cuz job hunting sucks ass...

Being suzie home maker is over rated and getting on my nerves, but I have a new appreciation for cleaning.

I havent done any fun free activities yet but I am trying to go outside... Hanging out at my moms house is getting old (and they want me to move back in HA!!!)

I need to move my car and do some dishes... OOOO my exciting life..

I need to make some moves!

2007-01-27T18:26:00.000-05:00

2007-01-24T09:49:00.001-05:00

A life without purpose is a languid, drifting thing; Every day weought to review our purpose, saying to ourselves: This day let memake a sound beginning, for what we have hitherto done is naught!-- Thomas A. Kempis

2007-01-22T11:39:00.001-05:00

The one resolution, which was in my mind long before it took the formof a resolution, is the key-note of my life. It is this, always toregard as mere impertinences of fate the handicaps which were placedupon my life almost at the beginning. I resolved that they shouldnot crush or dwarf my soul, but rather be made to blossom, likeAaron's rod, with flowers.-- Helen Keller (1880-1968) American Writer

2007-01-21T20:32:00.000-05:00

For my 100th post I am writting a letter in regards to the thing I realized today:

Dear You,

I was feeling down and out (read earlier post from today) so as a "pick me up" I went to see my family. I took a long, cold walk with my younger cousins and talked to them for a while. Then I had dinner at my aunts and chatted with my older cousins. All the while I saved the best for last, I went upstairs to see my crazy aunt.

I'm skipping the inbetween things blah blah, but I asked my aunt a very difficult question in private: "I know you are going through some major changes in your life and I wanted to know, Are you ok?"

I did this without my mom around being nosie about her younger sister or her kids around because she just decided to leave her husband of lord knows how many years. Now she has been doing some funky things and being irresponsible at times, which I plan on discussing with her at another time, but her answer reminded me of something I might say if I was 42 and going through this. That's the part that made me go hmmm stop, listen and reflect.

She looks at me and says "well I've just been going out and having a few drinks with friends here and there nothing serious" (in a semi guilty tone). And I clarified myself and told her its not about WHAT she was doing but HOW she was doing that I was concerned about.

She grabs my arm and turns to me and says "I think I am ok, I am just trying to find myself. Its hard and sad at times, but I know I did the right thing because he wasn't doing anything for me or helping me with the kids, so there is nothing left to do but let him go and end it. If I don't take care of my kids, then who will? No one is going to make me happy but me and you never know what is waitng for you around the corner. I am not just a mother, I am a person too, but I am ok." She said a whole bunch of other things, but I felt like I was looking in a mirror for a second, only I was older and more extreme.

After listening to that, I hugged her and said we should chat more when she has the time. I really wanted to tell her a whole bunch of things, but I let it be. I thought about her for a while and talked about it with my mom(who has her own oppinions on the situation) on the way to her house, and then I took my behind home.

This is where it starts coming together; I thought back to a conversation I had a few months ago, where I was asked why is it that I like to help people and where does this need come from. After some conversational digging, it comes from the fact that no one is/was there to help me or be there for me so I like to fill that void with helping others. At the end of the convo, I realized I had to start to help myself out. But it didn't quite happen right away.

Well after listening to my aunt today talk about her situation, I started to feel the need to help her out to get her shit together. Then I decided to fall back and listen. I am unemployed, single, bored out of my mind and looking for ways to busy myself so that I won't think about myself. In actuality, all this "free time" I have was given to me to do just that: THINK.

I need to think about saving myself from myself and ACT on it.

I know I have things I need to deal with and be done with that I just bury and push to the side. I have all this time on my hands and I need to use it wisly. I rather look at myself and work it out then pay a shrink to do it... I also realized that No One will save me except for me and before I make any other decisions I should take this time to do it now.

So to you I say thank you again, because through the numerous conversations I have had, I learned not to BS and I have to make sure I don't BS myself on this one. And even though I hardly communicate now-a-days, I still hold dear previous conversations. "so eloquent our silences..."

I am on a quest to figure out what makes me beautiful.

Sincerely,
Just Me

2007-01-21T13:26:00.000-05:00

I got this off postsecret and its the opposite of what I feel... I like waking up to do something

2007-01-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

Too much free time is horrible...

This week I managed to keep busy with school work and my uncle being in the news (el diario & telemundo) but I hate having free time.

I just got out of class and was thinking of the coming week. Ok I have to job search and fix my apt. but honestly how much house work can I possibly do!?

And I need to find some friends cuz the few that I do have are begining to get annoyed with me even though they don't say it out loud. I can tell... Im becoming a Nuisance.... yes an annoyance... I hate not having a job but I think I needed the down time but it needs to end soon or I might jump off 4116.

I think tooo damn much about stupid bullshyt. I don't know how my dad can do this all day... sit @ home and watch tv... I need a hobby or something... I think I am going to plan myself some free trips - of the educational kind - to stimulate my mind because I am going to go nutz...

Ok so to keep busy I am going to go visit people today cuz I can't be in this apt any longer!

2007-01-21T12:39:00.001-05:00

He, who by good deeds covers the evil he has done, illuminates this world like the moon freed from clouds. - Buddha

2007-01-19T15:41:00.001-05:00

In this world the wise one holds onto confidence and wisdom. Those are the greatest treasures; all other riches are pushed aside. - Buddha

2007-01-18T23:52:00.000-05:00

So to get motivated and focused I have done something unusual... I listened to a little motivational preaching from my cousin Emme's pastor. Honestly, I'm not big on church or anything, but that man got me going...

I need to have faith in my abilities which is something I am always battling. I was placed here for a reason and given gifts for a purpose, I just gotta have some faith that everything will be ok.

I need to keep busy... too much thinking is bad for me sometimes

2007-01-18T18:11:00.000-05:00

Laughing at myself....

From one Thursday to the next my outlook on life has done a 180...

I understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol during stressful times... Sweet Jesus save me

2007-01-18T18:00:00.000-05:00

I have never been so unmotivated in my life. Things were turning up and now they went back down again. I am getting super frustrated. I need to get focused again and get my mind right.

Trying to make it through the next month in one peice and I feel like shyt just keep getting harder by the day. I really want to drop out of school and dead Manhattanville all togehter but I can't because I have to prove them wrong. I really feel like they are setting me up for failure, which is why I know I have to go above and beyond and plan my steps carefully but I just keep slipping.

Yesterday I was on campus for a little while talking to my advisor and I ran into a few people and today I get a phone call from the pain in my ass vp saying I can't "roam the campus" and I am not suppose to be there unless I'm going to class. I thought I was in the clear but I guess not. I don't feel like going to class this weekend and I need to find some motivation to do this.

Shit happens for a reason but I can't see what it is. I just feel myself slippin...

2007-01-18T16:23:00.000-05:00

All the evil in the world, and all the unhappiness, comes from the I-concept. - Ask the Awakened by Wei Wu Wei

2007-01-12T09:17:00.000-05:00

In every person who comes near you look for what is good and strong; honor that; try to imitate it, and your faults will drop off like dead leaves when their time comes.-- John Ruskin (1819-1900) English Art Critic

2007-01-12T09:15:00.001-05:00

Buddhist Thought of the Day:

It is not for us to search but to remain still, to achieve Immobility not Action. - Fingers Pointing Toward the Moon by Wei Wu Wei

2007-01-11T20:22:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought my life had hit a major brick wall and was falling on my head while a 18 wheeler was backing up into it and rolling over me.... things started to turn around. I had a hectic day but I might have a job soon.

SO HAPPY... working on the damn resume

And Grey's is on tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally my Thursday nights are complete again... (sighing for some relief)

2007-01-11T13:53:00.001-05:00

Justice is a certain rectitude of mind where by a man does what heought to do in circumstances confronting him.-- St. Thomas Aquinas

2007-01-08T23:16:00.000-05:00

Buddhist Thought for 1/8/07:

Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play. - Heraclitus

Buddhist Thought for 1/7/07:

The Four Noble Truths are: 1. The world is full of suffering and stress. 2. The cause of this suffering and stress is desires of physical instincts. 3. If desire can be removed, then suffering and stress will be ended. 4. Desire can be removed by following the Eightfold Path: Right Views, Right Thoughts, Right Speech, Right Conduct, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration.

Buddhist Thought for 1/6/07:

The fourth step of the Eightfold Path is Right Conduct, meaning to keep the five precepts of not taking life, not taking that which is not given, not committing sexual misconduct, not lying, and abstaining from all forms of intoxication.

2007-01-05T23:13:00.000-05:00

Horoscope for 1/6:

You have a wonderful combination of optimism and spirituality, Gidget. Of course you believe in miracles, as well as angels, Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. We support your attitude wholeheartedly! Today something may happen that only further solidifies your beliefs. Perhaps you are saved from stepping out in front of a bus by the whisperings of your guardian angel. Or you may receive a telepathic message that stops you from making a bad career mistake.

.............................

I am the type to believe in these things and I think I am currently getting a blessing in disguise. I got fired today and accused of stealing money. I am not a thief, nor have I ever had the need to steal. Especially since so many others have been accused and terminated for the same reason at the College.

I am not stupid enough to think I would be able to get away with stealing thousands of dollars, and plain and simple: My mother raised me better than this.

Lord knows why He does what He does and I put my faith in him for this one, but my heart is broken. I have devoted my whole heart and energy to working with the students and put my all into making sure that they are taken care of and now I can't be there to help anymore. My whole reason for even staying at this College was for them. My students are the few individuals that make me proud and actually bring tears to my eyes.

I have to go back and clear my name, because I will not fall victim to the rumor mill nor will I have anyone thinking that I am a thief.

This is some bullshit, but I am meant to be somewhere else and I am fully capable and competent enough to find a job. I'm so mad that my efforts and dedication have gone to nothing.

Happy 2007...

2007-01-05T10:05:00.000-05:00

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities. - Dr. Seuss

2007-01-04T09:54:00.001-05:00

Dissolve your whole body into Vision: become seeing, seeing, seeing! - Jalaluddin Rumi

2007-01-04T09:49:00.001-05:00

Not the owner of many possessions will you be right to call happy: hemore rightly deserves the name of happy who knows how to use the Gods' gifts wisely and to put up with rough poverty, and who fears dishonor more than death.-- Horace (65-8 BC) Roman Poet

2007-01-03T09:22:00.001-05:00

Todays Horoscope:

You may be walking around as if you have a huge pack of stones strapped on to your back, GIDGET. The further you walk with this heavy load, the slower and slower you will become, and the more hunched over you will be by the time you reach your destination. Don't take a step further until you have unloaded the stones from your pack. Realize that this break in your journey will help you make much better time in the long run, as well as save you from a great deal of physical strain.

2007-01-01T23:46:00.000-05:00

is it really a happy new year? i think the same shyt is going to happen, just in different ways. ines calles me cynical but its just the truth, people are born and die everyday, and a lot of shyt happens inbetween. lets see what tomorrow brings...

2007-01-01T23:45:00.001-05:00

It is important to recognize the power of our emotions--and to take responsibility for them by creating a light and positive atmosphere around ourselves. This attitude of joy that we create helps alleviate states of hopelessness, loneliness, and despair. Our relationships with others thus naturally improve, and little by little the whole of society becomes more positive and balanced. - Tarthang Tulku

2006-12-29T11:29:00.000-05:00

Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd. - Edith Sitwell

Irene Cara - Flashdance - What a feeling

2006-12-28T14:02:00.001-05:00

Welder by day...
Dancer by night...

Flashdance!

(this is what I do when I'm alone shhhhh)

I got caught once dancing like a maniac in my old room (the attic) at my mom's house once time by my little sister to some outrageous disco song. She got scared cuz I tried to make her dance with me. I miss the days of getting up at the butt crack of dawn just to go to dance class.

Spandau Ballet - True

2006-12-28T13:49:00.001-05:00

80's Revival (for shits and giggles)

2006-12-28T02:49:00.000-05:00

sittin in this cold room
thinking about nothing
listening
sometimes the quiet speaks to me
I try to understand it
but i get lost in my thoughts
about
nothing in particular to think about
trying not to listen to the wind
silence
but the reflections keep me awake...

2006-12-27T15:38:00.000-05:00

Wow my obsessive tendencies have taken me to new heights. So the Lloyd song "You" got remixed with Andre 3000 and has the beat to the original 80s song that was in the movie 16 Candles and I was tell my musically challenged roomie about how hot the remix is. She had no clue what I was talking about, as usual, and so I told her my new mission was to download the remix and the original song and show her what I meant. Not like she was very interested but I was gonna do it anyway. So it took me 5 min to find the remix to the Lloyd song but 45 to find the damn 80s song.

So 45 min of obsessive searching later, I find the list of songs from the soundtrack to 16 Candles and get the band name and song: Spandau Ballet - True.

God I'm a nut job...

2006-12-22T11:25:00.001-05:00

Today's Horoscope:

Your cleverness is especially sharp but you might be more inclined to take direct action, rather than just talking about your intentions. If you are in a rut, go ahead and create fireworks for a real change of pace. But once the light show is over, don't return to the same old comfort zone. Instead, try new solutions that can set the tone for an exciting year ahead.

2006-12-22T11:23:00.000-05:00

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.-- Agatha Christie

2006-12-20T23:27:00.000-05:00

I am not enjoying the moving process and had to take tonight off due to a stuffy nose and watery eyes. I feel ike crap but I will tell you the top five things that are making me feel good right now:

Figuring out confusing things (rss feeds lol)
Christmas @ my cousin Pablo's house
The fact that I am finally growing up for real
Hip Hop is Dead - Nas' Album
Moving (sort of part of #3 and contradiction to above)

1. It only took me a read on Wiki and a new beta version oof yahoo mail to be able to finally understand RSS feeds. Nothing major but I get happy when I learn something new.

2. My cousin Pablo is mad fun so that means Christmas Eve will be a blast! We celebrate the Eve and not the actual day in my family. I'm excited to see everyone and eat till I have to be rolled home.

3. I am leaving my comfort zone for something new and different. This means I have a lot of new project to do and I'm super happy and I can't think up better adjectives right now because the flu meds I took are kicking in. I made important moves for my new apt today, like calling ConEd and Cablevision. I am leaving my home of 7 years for the first time and this is for real. It will be weird not to live on a College campus and not being able to walk to work, but the commute is well worth the amount of growth I will gain.

4. I just got Nas' new album and I like it a lot. I have listen to it about 7 times since yesterday and I like almost every song. This is proof that Hip Hop is not totally dead, maybe just in a coma that its is starting to come out of.

5. Despite the annoying part of packing and the idea of going up 5 floors with no elevator, I am happy that I am moving. The 'ville (the College) has given me a lot of nice memories but I won't miss living here. I need this change more than a baby needs its ass wipped. It might have been a quick decision but well worth the strees and process.

Meds kicking in and falling asleep.. wow I'm groggy fast... and I don't feel bad about not doing anything tonight.

2006-12-20T13:49:00.000-05:00

Why is it that my life looks like a john legend song sometimes lmao: Another Again

So we did it again
Knowing we should quit it, but we simply won’t admit it again
Oh it feels good, it’s so good, but I won’t do it again
It’s so dramatic again
After we go at it, we get mad then we go at it again
Oh I love it, then I hate it, she’s my favorite again
I’m wasting time
I can’t help it she’s so fine
Oh I like her style
And I love the way she talks and I smile
As much as we may try
Can’t quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime, I guess we say bye-bye

(And again and again and again)
Oh, and then, we do it again
We do it again and we do it again
Oh, and then, we do it again

We want it again, and we want it again
So we fake it again
I think we’re gonna blow it, and we know it
But she’s naked again
We get wasted, then I taste it, then I waste it again
I can’t invite her again
‘Cause she’ll go from a lover to a fighter
And I’ll fight her again
So it’s over, but I told her to come over again
I’m wasting time
But she’s always on my mind
I can’t let her go
Oh, she’s not the best, but she’s all that I know
As much as we may try
Can’t quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime I guess we say bye bye

(And again and again and again)
Oh, and then, we do it again
We do it again and we do it again
Oh, and then, we do it again
We want it again, and we want it again

So I’ve got a new friend
I wish I could forget you
But I miss you, wanna kiss you again
She’s like you, but she’s not you, gotta find you again
So we remember again
The middle of December and I took you out to dinner again
Oh I love her, it’s not over, just another again

(And again and again and again)
Oh, it’s another againI love her, it’s another again

.....except right now it feels like I'm wasting my time... but I'm enjoying and laughing at myself

2006-12-20T13:41:00.001-05:00

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself. - James Thurber

2006-12-20T12:33:00.000-05:00

You know that saying about how people come into your life for a reason and stay for months, season, years ect...? (I don't memorize things but you know what I'm talking about)

Well I have been thinking about that one for a while and I guess its kinda funny. Funny because I think something and I see something parallel to it somewhere else.

You ever wonder why people come in and out of your life? People just seem to make there way in some how and I'm usually the one cutting people out. So when people cut out on their own, its hard to deal with.

I know why I cut people out: It's because I don't like it when people get too close. Why that is though is still unanswered and there are some people that I want closer but then I push them away or subconsciously shut them out.

I always put people out in the cold for a while and then bring them back in again. I thought I managed to stop it for a while with my college friends but I did the same thing to them and then blaimed it on the "we are just different now" factor... or the "we grew apart" excuse.

I really do have a difficult time keeping people around. So lately I have been thinking about that and how the people must feel. Then I kinda got put on ice and it was sooo cold and it sucked. I tired to warm it up but not enough to make much of a difference.

Now I'm at a mini crossraod: do I just keep it moving? or Should I keep trying and try harder?

Good people don't come along very often...

My thought of last week was: why and what is the point of some relationships (of any kind)?? And I still can't come up with an answer for that one.

2006-12-18T15:01:00.000-05:00

Friends:

I am about to start doing more things by myself. I really need to do this because every time I want to see something or check something cool out, no one else is interested but me and I hate the "yes I'm here alone" feeling. But fuck that shyt! I can't keep missing out on things just because I don't want to go alone.

I am interested in things that none of my friends are so I HAVE TO venture out solo. And it sucks going somewhere are the people or person is totally uninterested and wants to leave.

Normally I have no problem venturing out alone but lately I just feel like having some company but "the cheese stands alone."

Today is a perfect example: I want to go to a poetry event in Bk and my best bud (mr. corp) can't cuz of work or the gym or his girlfriend... blah blah blah... I hate the fact that we grow up and get real jobs and then forget how to have fun and see things and "forget" our friends sometimes.

I am guilty of this to so I can imagine how the Friends I have done this to feel.

I'm just in need of a companion right now and my right hand man is MIA

2006-12-18T11:31:00.000-05:00

Today's Horoscope:

There is an earthy weightiness to the day that may make you feel that you and your relationships with others are between a rock and a hard place, TINK. Don't worry because after today, the clouds are going to lighten up tremendously. Put in your hard work now and do any last minute planning you feel is necessary before you are off and running. The starting gate is about to open.

2006-12-15T16:10:00.000-05:00

In reference to post on 11/8/06 that was just published:

I wrote that when I had just deaded a nice guy that I had gone on a few dates with. I had to think about posting it but just decided that there was nothing wrong with what I said, other then a few grammatical errors. So, this post is about carrying on...

How has the midget been carrying on since then? Just fine. Normally, when a woman uses the word "fine" it means she really isn't "fine." I am honestly just fine. I can say that I have detached myself from my emotions long enough to see that I need to worry myself with other things. Oppertunities have passed and things change so, why am I going to stress myself?

I have to get my act together and get things done. This is a time to make choices because life waits for no one.

The word of the day is Vacillate:

vac·il·late -
–verb (used without object), -lat·ed, -lat·ing.
1. to waver in mind or opinion; be indecisive or irresolute: His tendency to vacillate makes him a poor leader.
2. to sway unsteadily; waver; totter; stagger.
3. to oscillate or fluctuate.

I can't afford to vacillate. Thinking about something deeply for some time is one thing but not making a decision is another.

Throughts to be continued...

2006-12-15T12:32:00.000-05:00

If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down.
Mary Pickford - US (Canadian-born) movie actress (1893 - 1979)

2006-12-15T11:40:00.001-05:00

Enthusiasm is the best protection in any situation. Wholeheartedness is contagious. Give yourself, if you wish to get others.-- David Seabury

2006-12-14T22:36:00.000-05:00

My attempt to get a good laugh... (look at his big toe when his sitting in the chair.. LMAO)

2006-12-14T22:32:00.000-05:00

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. - Chuang Tse

2006-12-14T22:28:00.000-05:00

Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box.
Italian Proverb

2006-12-11T09:43:00.001-05:00

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.-- Helen Keller (1880-1968) American Writer

2006-12-07T16:04:00.000-05:00

I really really really love this song.... John Legend rocks my socks.... Show ME...

I realized as I lay down to sleep
We haven't spoke in weeks
So many things that I'd like to know
Come have a talk with me
I need a sign, something I can see
Why all the mystery?
I try not to fall for make believe
But what is reality?

Where do we go?
What do we know?
Life has to have a meaning
Show me the light
Show me the way
Show that you're listening
Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

Guess it's funny how I say thanks to you
For all you've given me
Sometimes the price of what you gave to me
I can't stop questioning
O God of love, peace, and mercy
Why so much suffering?
I pray for the world, it gets worse to me
Wonder if you're listening

When people go
Why do they go?
Why don't you choose me?
But someday I knowI'm gonna go
I hope you're waiting for me
Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

Maybe we'll talk
Some other night
Right now I'll take it easy
Won't spent my time
Waiting to die
Enjoy the life I'm living

Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

2006-12-07T14:47:00.001-05:00

A hero is a man who does what he can.-- Roman Rollard

2006-12-07T01:54:00.000-05:00

2007 Couldn't come any faster!... I never wanted a new year to start so badly. 2006 was a year of lessons but its time for a fresh start.

I am going to start by cleaning my "House" -cleaaring out all the uneccessary baggage that I have, deal with what ever I have to deal with before the new year starts and keep it moving. No sense in dwelling on things that already happened, can't be changed or erased.

Clearing all the pathways and leaving them open for new oppertunities and advancements.
Anything left that needs to be done, said, heard, seen, etc.. pertaining to 2006 needs to happen with in the next 26 days cuz I'm not going back in 2007.

I am saying goodbye and hello... time for a change

2006-12-06T16:41:00.000-05:00

now that the Holidays are getting closer, it time to think of all the things I really relly really wish I had (O JOY!!).

Christmas List:

A bigger shoe/bag closet
More Traveling $$$
More patience
More motivation (so many things I want to do)
Time (then again we make time for what we want)
Organizational skills (wait i'm going to school for that)
Gloves (I hate them but my hands are always cold)
A shovel (I want to dig a tunnel into the core of the Earth)
Take better care of my body
Improve communication skills
Follow through
A rocket (I dream of flying to the Moon)
More Dreams
Know what I'm suppose to do with myself
Personal Masseuse
Love
All the answers
There really was a Santa
Balls
a better, smaller digital cam

:-) Merry F-ing Christmas!

2006-11-09T18:13:00.000-05:00

Its funny to know how others see you .... lolol.... I'm the staff spotlight

http://www.rightworldview.com/uploads/Right_World_View_-_Volume_1_Number_3__11-6-2006_.pdf

no messages for a while.... refocusing

Ich liebe Dich Auf Wiedersehen. Sprechen Sie mit Ihnen im Dezember

2006-11-08T20:34:00.000-05:00

Levels of attraction:

Sometimes you know you like some one the minute you meet them and sometimes it takes a while. You can meet some one and think that they are the hottest thing but then see that he is a major ass hole or you can think the person looks like an old potato sack and fall in love with them.

Its interesting to see how things change a person's perception about some one. Sometimes, its not even about how cute or unattractive the person is. Example, I met someone who has a heart of gold and is willing to make me a really happy chick. Takes me out, tells me nice things, is super respectful, thoughtful, polite, well dressed, good career, opens doors etc etc etc.... BUT for some reason I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo not attracted to him. He is really funny and great to hang out with but I have realized, that after a few dates, that if I haven't had the urge to kiss him that I don't think I ever will.

I mean he's is a great catch for a girl looking for all that jazz. But he is just tooo nice. I don't know why females, myself included, go for the guy who isn't giving them the time of day, day dream about the moment that he will sweep her off her feet and make her "happy." They take the nice guy and put him on a block of ice. Poor, poor nice guy. I am about to put the nice guy on the shelf. Honestly I tried to like the nice guy, it just hasn't worked out that way.

I guess I'm hung up on the nice guy who is less nice then the above mentioned and I can actually argue with, but the nice guy is tooo busy for me. He is occupied doing other things and has no time to think or decide what to do with me.

You can't tell a busy person that you are "too busy" because where there is a will there is away. I am a super busy person but I find myself trying to make time for certain people. If you really want to do something then, you will make time to do it. I am obviously not that important to make time for so I must carry on.

2006-11-07T09:44:00.000-05:00

Today's Horoscope:

Today you're likely to wake up feeling energetic, enthusiastic, optimistic, and VERY happy, TINK. You may not be able to trace these emotions to anything logical, but don't even try. Just make the most of what's happening and use that energy to create your life the way you want it. You might feel as if you could move mountains, but perhaps for now you'd better concentrate on the molehills. Be conservative for now, and then tackle the mountains later!

.....This is a bunch of shyt... I woke up feeling like a mountain got dropped on my head... Ugh I hope I'm not getting sick.

I have no computer because something blew up so I have to sit in my boss' office today. Thanks for being "out sick" today!

So I'm sitting in the big man's chair and it's werid. Few reason's why:

I have my back to the door
It's not my office
There are pictures everywhere which makes me was to stare
I miss my messy desk

#s 1 & 3 are probably the most distracting. I like to see who comes into my office before they are actually in it so that’s why I like to face the door. I feel like I'm far far away from everyone over here. I have seen his picture a trillion times but since they are directly in front of me I keep staring and noticing things.

Observation 1: I didn't realize my boss got married in November. His 7-year anniversary is coming up soon. Wow that's a long ass time to be married but at the same time it isn't. My parents are still together and have been for like ever but I bet if my mother wasn't so conservative they would have gotten a divorce before my baby sister was born. She saved their marriage in a way. I think it helps that instead of arguing with each other, they now have my other sister living at home to argue with .... O the joys of children... but back to my boss - Thinking of him being married that long makes me wonder if I'm capable of doing it. Who knows what the future will bring.

This weekend I was able to witness this dude propose to his girlfriend at the end of the play "The Wedding Singer" and I thought it was the corniest thing I have ever seen (the proposal I mean, the play was great). This guy gets up on stage at the end of the finally and bring the poor girl up on stage and you could tell she was super embarrassed. She was beet red and was covering her face. He asked her 2 questions one was obviously the "will you marry me" blah blah but the one he asked before that was "Does your mother really love me?" Now I think that is something he should have known beforehand and shouldn't have even asked. If he was trying to be funny, it sure as hell didn't work. Poor girl looked like she said yes because she was in front of a thousand strangers and didn't want to embarrass her self more.

I hope to God that never happens to me. The idea of a public proposal is soooo lame.

I think I will ask my boss how he asked his wife. I never asked my mom how my dad asked her; I think I'll do that too.

2006-11-06T21:06:00.000-05:00

I ate ice cream for dinner. Coconut cream pie from coldstone. It was good at the moment, but I'm paying formit now. OUCH... my tummy hurts...

I wanted ice cream so I ate it... I should have gotten real food but o well. We shouldn't always do what we want.

Learning to say NO to myself

2006-11-04T13:31:00.000-05:00

True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess.-- Louis Nizer (1902-1994) American Lawyer

2006-11-02T18:07:00.000-05:00

So now I am strongly thinking about getting rid of my myspace page. I know you're asking me "Why and are you really sure this time Tink??"

I'll tell you why damnit! I hate how people send me messages thinking I'm some kind of floozy! Ugh! My ex-boyfriend the bastard who made me more unstable then I needed to be during my young developmental stages sent me a message.

He thought that by inviting me to dinner that he would think I thought he was cute.... OOOK we broke up 8 years ago and I couldn't think of anything more nauseating then going back to his sad excuse for a man.

Now we tried to be friends and have hung out on a few occasions over the years because I wanted to burry the hatchet and move on with life, but this ass munch doesn't seem to understand the concept of friendship. He is always hitting on me right when I think that we are actually on the path to being "friends." Granted most of my friends who have heard about him would like to see him run over by a bus, I wanted to "turn the other cheek."

So we spoke the other day and agreed to meet for dinner (which I planned to do my usual and not show up or answer my phone) but instead he "stands me up"... Little did he know I was already doing something else but this is the message he sends me on myspace:

"Just wanted to say that I am sorry for this past weekend but the capoeira event was highly stressful and after the batizado, I was taking care of the guests that came in from abroad....hopefully we can make a rain check??? gotta run...bye sweetie mmmmuuuaaahhhh.... John "

I am not your sweetie and don't blow me Internet kisses... ILLLLLL excuse my while I throw up...

2006-11-02T17:31:00.000-05:00

Today I actually had work to do at work that I did on time! SO proud I know... I also took out the last 2 hours to be introduced to Dane Cook's comedy. He is a funny dude and because of him I was able to bond with my cheerleader co-worker. Next thing you know I just might let her take me to one of those TECHNO clubs in Long Island (ok that's a long shot). But any who, I had a good laugh with her and it was cute.

I need to put a firecracker up my ass and get to work on this business plan. Who knows, maybe I will open up a boutique for short women, so I can quit my job and possibly stop being a workaholic.... hmm maybe I'm dreaming too big again

I always wonder what goes through other peoples heads when they ask you questions. Like what do you really mean to say or what do you really want to know???

I know that when I think of some crazy shit to ask some one I'm doing it because there was a string of other thoughts that lead to me wondering about whatever I ask. I mean the shit doesn't come out of thin air.

So when I ask, "where did that question come from," and the response I get is "from no where," it forces me to wonder what the person is really trying to get at or tell me...

Maybe its just me and my over thinking nature...

2006-11-02T16:26:00.000-05:00

I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do the something I can do.-- Helen Keller (1880-1968) American Writer

2006-11-01T21:54:00.000-05:00

I am such a bum. I hate grad-school. I don't want to do anything and I am tired.

I am currently sitting in my office procrastinating and trying to find every excuse not to do my schoolwork. I only have 2 weekends of class left for this semester and I hate it!

OMG School sucks. I wish I had enough money to pay off my loans, and not have to get a masters to get ahead. I just need 40,000... I am taking donations.... Thank the Lord this program is not costing me too much except my soul and my social life, but nobody needs those things anyway

2006-11-01T14:35:00.000-05:00

TODAY'S HOROSCOPE:

A love relationship that may have in the past been based primarily on intellectual interests may take a sudden turn towards passionate romance. If you aren't careful, TINK, this could turn into an obsession! Relax and enjoy it, but be aware that you must accept your partner as he is - warts and all! There are indications of possible changes in your life - either on a personal level, or perhaps new business opportunities.

I wonder sometimes about horoscopes.....

2006-11-01T03:17:00.000-05:00

Sometime I don't understand why people make certain choices. Something’s look so simple yet are handle in the worse way. People know exactly when they are fucking up and sticking their foot in their mouth.

Ugh I'm angry at a lot of things and I have so much to discuss but its 3:30 am and I am trying not to be mad about things.

I see the bigger picture and there are many components to take into account for but certain situations just piss me the hell off.

I need a new job sometimes.

2006-10-30T12:44:00.000-05:00

I'm soo deep in thought today that I have nothing to say...

Ok such a lie cuz I always have something brewing.

2006-10-27T14:01:00.000-04:00

ROFLMAO!!!!!
(Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off)

You know its officially over between you and someone else when you have been "un-friended" on myspace.com.... I have never laughed so hard in my life.

This is great! I can say that I am so totally over that situation and I'm happy to be done!

Then again before I start countin' my chickens, I have to be aware of the fact that things have a tendency of "rising from the dead"...

At least on my end I'm done!!!!

LMFAO

This is so dumb... I'm canceling my myspace page ... ok maybe not but I just increased my security settings...
Why did I ever subject myself to such stupidity?!?!?!?!!!!

2006-10-26T15:27:00.000-04:00

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.-- Elizabeth Stone

2006-10-26T11:36:00.000-04:00

Forgetting:

I was trying to forget things on purpose, but the things I want to forget just seem to stick in my head like old gum on a church pew. The more I tried to forget certain things, the more good things got erased. So after a few years of heavily smoking pot, I decided that its not worth trying to forget something that I wished never happened and to just suck it up and deal with the fact that the event occurred. There goes my habit, time to pick a new addiction (fish & blogging!)

Anger:

It’s a human emotion, but I am learning to control my constant disgruntled demeanor. My friends loved calling me the "disgruntled midget" because I ALWAYS had something negative to say about anything (at least I didn't discriminate). Lately I have noticed that being mad all the time isn't as fun, especially when some new individual(s) in your circle make you see that you look ridiculous (now I need a new nickname).

Jealousy:

I discovered it and boy was it a sucky ass feeling. Squashed that really fast. Nothing else to say except that unchecked, it makes you say or do stupid things and I have been both a victim and a culprit.

Love:

Is an entity that I am growing to understand. It isn't easy and it hurts sometimes but I like knowing I am capable of seeing the emotion. Being that I was always angry, it was really hard to grasp the concept of love. I'm working on showing it....

Just some thoughts...

2006-10-25T09:59:00.000-04:00

So the other day I came to realize that my dear younger sister Cat, will never be happy with anyone that I am with. Every time I tell about some one who is slightly interesting to me she automatically asks me "what's he look like??" and I can say he looks like Jesus and she will say "illlll you have horrible taste in men!" I love her but to be honest, I could give a rat’s ass what she thinks about who I date. She dated girls for a while (not like there is anything wrong with that) and the individual she dated last was pretty, but had the ugliest personality. I rather take a good character over looks any day.

But I really feel like she just rather me be single and grumpy like her. Its not that I'm saying she’s a "hater" but she has "hater tendencies" and is very quick to throw something negative at me.

Love her very much but the value of her opinions are decreasing by the day.

2006-10-25T09:58:00.000-04:00

Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you.-- Mary Tyler Moore (1937-) American Actress

2006-10-24T19:28:00.000-04:00

Came across with this and found it to be almost too on point with me:

The Gemini female is perhaps the most complex of the entire Zodiac when it comes to love and understanding. Her life will be full of contradictions. Not only does this woman say one thing and then do something else (so very me), her interests are so broad and her idealism so great, that she appears change with lightning speed. For example, in religious matters, her nature if often very strong...yet, she frequently does not confine or limit her beliefs to any one religion, sect, doctrine or creed, harboring much respect for all religious teachings and inclined to be very tolerant and liberal. The best ploy for any potential partner is to seduce her by promises of a long-term commitment. If a potential mate cannot do this in good conscience, then it should at least be made plain to the Gemini female that a long-term commitment is not out of the question some time in the future. Aside from this, she will need intellectual stimulation but should be allowed to win arguments. In terms of physical intimacy, the Gemini woman is difficult because she is so unpredictable and changeable...a partner will seldom know how to interpret what she says or what she does (I have had this problem a lot). One moment, she may be a siren and the next, a devout nun. There is a natural tendency for females governed by this Sign to crave things they do not possess only to find them mundane and unimportant once the desires have been granted(I get board easily). This woman often appears to be looking for something...hoping to find total happiness. Unfortunately, due to the inherent dual personality of this female, she may never be truly gratified for any length of time. In everything she does, the Gemini woman goes to extremes, almost as though she fails to understand the meaning of moderation(I'm trying to learn moderation). She is constantly nervous and always searching anxiously for something to do(Always). When the lower nature of this female has full sway, she will seem to be obsessed with sensations of dissatisfaction and discontent that nothing in the outside world can explain, but which will cause those around her to feel totally disturbed.

The Gemini female is symbolic of the modern and intelligent woman...one who questions every covention and/or tradition. She is fun to know, although sometimes difficult to pin down. Her view of life is original and her mental qualities are first class, but she possesses a light touch and is never boring. Trying out her ideas in conversation, flitting from one subject to another, entertaining and amusing those around her is the Gemini female's notion of how to spend a pleasant evening. Nevertheless, she will never impose views on others, no matter how forthright they may be. Perhaps this woman's major fault is a strange elusiveness, which could be interpreted by some as the shelving of responsibility. She is not keen on engaging in the more serious tasks of life too early and is rarely ready for a long-term commitment at a young age. In short, females governed by Gemini are truly better off remaining unattached during their early twenties(looking for love in all the wrong places...), allowing themselves plenty of time to shop around. If not, they may find themselves in a long-term relationship that is marred by personal regret. However, when a commitment is made later in life, this woman enters the relationship with much enthusiasm and will bring a good deal of love to a life with someone she greatly admires. As a partner, this is an exciting female who is never boring but is often rather undomesticated...or at least not particuarly interested in the practical mechanics of running a household(not interested in being a housewife). Her idea of a home is a place where her family can feel free and relaxed, especially in expressing their individualities. As a mother, she is great fun, though not always tolerant since her patience runs out somewhat quickly. For a relationship to last, it will be necessary for any mate to provide constant change is order for the Gemini woman to remain happy...and if she cannot change her scene, then she is liable to change the cast, keeping a variety of friends on a merry-go-round of entertaining...but not of a very elaborate scale. Essentially, the Gemini female is charming and lovable...but elusive.

http://www.novareinna.com/constellation/geminilovecomp.html

OO found some more...

The Gemini woman is friendly and easy to approach, but not necessarily interested in a long-term romantic relationship (got bored with the short term ones). The passionate and receptive side to females governed by Gemini can turn abruptly distant at times, although they are not adverse to using sex appeal as a weapon if necessary to obtain what they want(I have been guilty of this).

Gemini women are quick studies with fast, glib answers. The positive side of this is that they initially make a favorable impression on the world...the negative being that they tend to stick with first impressions and are often superficial, frequently not delving deep enough to grasp the more complex picture of a person or situation(I rather say I follow my instincts cuz I'm usually right). In short, they are prone too trust that what they see with their eyes is the whole and complete truth. The art of love is, more often than not, a source of great confusion to the Gemini female(Very hard concept indeed). Because she is so headstrong and brings so many mental complications to her feelings, any love connection is likely to be fraught with obstacles, ambivalences, difficulties or distances of some type. Nevertheless, this woman does value love very much. The problem here is that she will have a rather long list of prerequisites and finding the right type of relationship is not necessarily easy(I ususally find something wrong with everyone but always get the worst guys). Since Gemini is a dual sign, its unique symbol being the Twins, it may be that this female desires to complete herself by finding the "missing twin"...in other words, her soul mate (Possibly why I always dump the "nice guy").

As a general rule, Gemini women are apt to lack stability and patience. Nonetheless, the Gemini woman is demonstratively affectionate and impulsive...her feelings becoming easily wounded if love and affection are deemed not to be returned(secretly sensitive). This female is considerate of the comfort of others and, under normal circumstances, is very generous, giving liberally to worthy causes. In emergencies, she will rise to the demands of the occasion in a most admirable way(very true).

Known to be somewhat hysterical due to her ill-balanced nervous composition, the Gemini female is seldom satisfied with her attainments...yet, her versatility and adaptability make her capable of successfully filling any occupation she might chose to occupy. Frequently, this woman will have "too many irons in the fire." (Always have tooooo much going on) In that event, some (if not all) of her projects are bound to suffer and be left in an unfinished state...her excuse for this will invariably be that she lacks the time.

Wow what you learn...

2006-10-24T15:32:00.000-04:00

So my gay "husband", Guadalupe but they call him G, wants me to be the mother of one of his children. I agreed that if I didn't have any kids by the time I'm 28 and financially stable that I would get artificially inseminated and have his 1/2 Mexican baby. This is a way better deal then the one I had with my best friend Bubs. My deal with Bubs was that we would get married by the time I was 25 if we were both single. I was happy with the idea until I turned 24 and now that my bday is 8 months away, I don't really like the idea anymore. Plus he is too irritating to spend the rest of my life with right now.

G is a real great guy and if he wasn't gay I would jump his bones and have babies the natural way but we can't win them all can we. I'm one of his many "fag hags" (women who hang out with gay men more then straight men) but far up there on his list (I'm in the top 5). He said he would let me have his baby since I would be such a hot momma and I love kids and they would be such a hot mix (Dominican and Mexican)... lolol

Seriously I would have his child being that I think he would probably be a better father then a straight man and I rather take my chances with him then a dead beat. There aren't that many "fish in the sea" as they say and I don't want to be the oldest mom in kindergarten.

We shall see what happens between now and 28.... I forgot to mention I'm 4 years older then G... I need to start hanging out with people closer to my age

2006-10-24T14:42:00.000-04:00

Its time for tink to realize she's become a girl!

So I was having another deep morning discussion with my boss today and he told me I need to get outta girl mode. I have been told by many that I think like a boy when it comes to dating and other things, but ever since May of this year, boss man says I have been getting soft and have turned into a full fledged girl.

Just great that’s exactly what I needed! I have emotions now! Honestly it sucks ass that ever since my 24th bday I have become more and more emotional by the day. I don't exactly know how to deal with this new discovery because normal I am cold hearted, logical, and an asshole. I can honestly admit to the fact that I almost cried during "The Little Mermaid" and my recent need for a slow dance/Romanic dinner/(good) poems/ flowers/sweet nothings whispered in my ear etc… The whole 9… Proves to me that I have crossed a line that I never thought I would. Normally all that shyt is corny to me and I could care less about all that, but somewhere in a matter of 5 months I changed.

I'm trying to make sense of this (and a few other things), but I hope this is just a phase.... Emotions are weird and confusing... This is not fun at all!

I also realized that caring for someone who doesn’t really care or can’t care for you they way you want them to sucks. I hate having emotions but I guess I just have to change and make room for them.

Moving out of your comfort zone into something new is a part of life and I am adjusting. I’m still an asshole though :-)

2006-10-20T12:24:00.000-04:00

I want to slow dance!!!! No one slow dances anymore. I wish I were born in the 1960s or something so that I could grow up and appreciate the beauty of slow dancing. I want to be held, while listening to soft music! Jesus tap dancing Christ! ROMANCE has apparently died and I missed the funeral!

I have been listening to Etta James, Juan Luis Guerra and other artists at work. My boss and I also had a conversation about how back in the day, slow dancing was like having "fake sex" and guys would walk around with boners (lmao). Not really what I was trying to get at, but today's R&B kind of sucks major ass (with a few exceptions). Whatever happened to real singers and composers???? Whatever happened to singing form the heart???

I am disappointed in today's culture and the value they place on today's music. But I can't be too mad because I am guilty of listening to all the crap playing on the radio stations. So to counter act that I have been downloading a lot of oldies and songs that actually say something.

I still want to slow dance... but I have no one to dance with...lolololol

2006-10-20T11:52:00.000-04:00

A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory
fails.

-- Unknown