For my 100th post I am writting a letter in regards to the thing I realized today:
Dear You,
I was feeling down and out (read earlier post from today) so as a "pick me up" I went to see my family. I took a long, cold walk with my younger cousins and talked to them for a while. Then I had dinner at my aunts and chatted with my older cousins. All the while I saved the best for last, I went upstairs to see my crazy aunt.
I'm skipping the inbetween things blah blah, but I asked my aunt a very difficult question in private: "I know you are going through some major changes in your life and I wanted to know, Are you ok?"
I did this without my mom around being nosie about her younger sister or her kids around because she just decided to leave her husband of lord knows how many years. Now she has been doing some funky things and being irresponsible at times, which I plan on discussing with her at another time, but her answer reminded me of something I might say if I was 42 and going through this. That's the part that made me go hmmm stop, listen and reflect.
She looks at me and says "well I've just been going out and having a few drinks with friends here and there nothing serious" (in a semi guilty tone). And I clarified myself and told her its not about WHAT she was doing but HOW she was doing that I was concerned about.
She grabs my arm and turns to me and says "I think I am ok, I am just trying to find myself. Its hard and sad at times, but I know I did the right thing because he wasn't doing anything for me or helping me with the kids, so there is nothing left to do but let him go and end it. If I don't take care of my kids, then who will? No one is going to make me happy but me and you never know what is waitng for you around the corner. I am not just a mother, I am a person too, but I am ok." She said a whole bunch of other things, but I felt like I was looking in a mirror for a second, only I was older and more extreme.
After listening to that, I hugged her and said we should chat more when she has the time. I really wanted to tell her a whole bunch of things, but I let it be. I thought about her for a while and talked about it with my mom(who has her own oppinions on the situation) on the way to her house, and then I took my behind home.
This is where it starts coming together; I thought back to a conversation I had a few months ago, where I was asked why is it that I like to help people and where does this need come from. After some conversational digging, it comes from the fact that no one is/was there to help me or be there for me so I like to fill that void with helping others. At the end of the convo, I realized I had to start to help myself out. But it didn't quite happen right away.
Well after listening to my aunt today talk about her situation, I started to feel the need to help her out to get her shit together. Then I decided to fall back and listen. I am unemployed, single, bored out of my mind and looking for ways to busy myself so that I won't think about myself. In actuality, all this "free time" I have was given to me to do just that: THINK.
I need to think about saving myself from myself and ACT on it.
I know I have things I need to deal with and be done with that I just bury and push to the side. I have all this time on my hands and I need to use it wisly. I rather look at myself and work it out then pay a shrink to do it... I also realized that No One will save me except for me and before I make any other decisions I should take this time to do it now.
So to you I say thank you again, because through the numerous conversations I have had, I learned not to BS and I have to make sure I don't BS myself on this one. And even though I hardly communicate now-a-days, I still hold dear previous conversations. "so eloquent our silences..."
I am on a quest to figure out what makes me beautiful.
Sincerely,
Just Me
Dear You,
I was feeling down and out (read earlier post from today) so as a "pick me up" I went to see my family. I took a long, cold walk with my younger cousins and talked to them for a while. Then I had dinner at my aunts and chatted with my older cousins. All the while I saved the best for last, I went upstairs to see my crazy aunt.
I'm skipping the inbetween things blah blah, but I asked my aunt a very difficult question in private: "I know you are going through some major changes in your life and I wanted to know, Are you ok?"
I did this without my mom around being nosie about her younger sister or her kids around because she just decided to leave her husband of lord knows how many years. Now she has been doing some funky things and being irresponsible at times, which I plan on discussing with her at another time, but her answer reminded me of something I might say if I was 42 and going through this. That's the part that made me go hmmm stop, listen and reflect.
She looks at me and says "well I've just been going out and having a few drinks with friends here and there nothing serious" (in a semi guilty tone). And I clarified myself and told her its not about WHAT she was doing but HOW she was doing that I was concerned about.
She grabs my arm and turns to me and says "I think I am ok, I am just trying to find myself. Its hard and sad at times, but I know I did the right thing because he wasn't doing anything for me or helping me with the kids, so there is nothing left to do but let him go and end it. If I don't take care of my kids, then who will? No one is going to make me happy but me and you never know what is waitng for you around the corner. I am not just a mother, I am a person too, but I am ok." She said a whole bunch of other things, but I felt like I was looking in a mirror for a second, only I was older and more extreme.
After listening to that, I hugged her and said we should chat more when she has the time. I really wanted to tell her a whole bunch of things, but I let it be. I thought about her for a while and talked about it with my mom(who has her own oppinions on the situation) on the way to her house, and then I took my behind home.
This is where it starts coming together; I thought back to a conversation I had a few months ago, where I was asked why is it that I like to help people and where does this need come from. After some conversational digging, it comes from the fact that no one is/was there to help me or be there for me so I like to fill that void with helping others. At the end of the convo, I realized I had to start to help myself out. But it didn't quite happen right away.
Well after listening to my aunt today talk about her situation, I started to feel the need to help her out to get her shit together. Then I decided to fall back and listen. I am unemployed, single, bored out of my mind and looking for ways to busy myself so that I won't think about myself. In actuality, all this "free time" I have was given to me to do just that: THINK.
I need to think about saving myself from myself and ACT on it.
I know I have things I need to deal with and be done with that I just bury and push to the side. I have all this time on my hands and I need to use it wisly. I rather look at myself and work it out then pay a shrink to do it... I also realized that No One will save me except for me and before I make any other decisions I should take this time to do it now.
So to you I say thank you again, because through the numerous conversations I have had, I learned not to BS and I have to make sure I don't BS myself on this one. And even though I hardly communicate now-a-days, I still hold dear previous conversations. "so eloquent our silences..."
I am on a quest to figure out what makes me beautiful.
Sincerely,
Just Me
posted by Nifty at 8:32 PM
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