There seem to two kinds of searchers: those who seek to make their ego something other than it is, i.e. holy, happy, unselfish (as though you could make a fish unfish), and those who understand that all such attempts are just gesticulation and play-acting, that there is only one thing that can be done, which is to disidentify themselves with the ego, by realizing its unreality, and by becoming aware of their eternal identity with pure being. - Fingers Pointing Toward the Moon by Wei Wu Wei

A life without purpose is a languid, drifting thing; Every day weought to review our purpose, saying to ourselves: This day let memake a sound beginning, for what we have hitherto done is naught!-- Thomas A. Kempis

The one resolution, which was in my mind long before it took the formof a resolution, is the key-note of my life. It is this, always toregard as mere impertinences of fate the handicaps which were placedupon my life almost at the beginning. I resolved that they shouldnot crush or dwarf my soul, but rather be made to blossom, likeAaron's rod, with flowers.-- Helen Keller (1880-1968) American Writer

For my 100th post I am writting a letter in regards to the thing I realized today:

Dear You,


I was feeling down and out (read earlier post from today) so as a "pick me up" I went to see my family. I took a long, cold walk with my younger cousins and talked to them for a while. Then I had dinner at my aunts and chatted with my older cousins. All the while I saved the best for last, I went upstairs to see my crazy aunt.

I'm skipping the inbetween things blah blah, but I asked my aunt a very difficult question in private: "I know you are going through some major changes in your life and I wanted to know, Are you ok?"

I did this without my mom around being nosie about her younger sister or her kids around because she just decided to leave her husband of lord knows how many years. Now she has been doing some funky things and being irresponsible at times, which I plan on discussing with her at another time, but her answer reminded me of something I might say if I was 42 and going through this. That's the part that made me go hmmm stop, listen and reflect.

She looks at me and says "well I've just been going out and having a few drinks with friends here and there nothing serious" (in a semi guilty tone). And I clarified myself and told her its not about WHAT she was doing but HOW she was doing that I was concerned about.

She grabs my arm and turns to me and says "I think I am ok, I am just trying to find myself. Its hard and sad at times, but I know I did the right thing because he wasn't doing anything for me or helping me with the kids, so there is nothing left to do but let him go and end it. If I don't take care of my kids, then who will? No one is going to make me happy but me and you never know what is waitng for you around the corner. I am not just a mother, I am a person too, but I am ok." She said a whole bunch of other things, but I felt like I was looking in a mirror for a second, only I was older and more extreme.

After listening to that, I hugged her and said we should chat more when she has the time. I really wanted to tell her a whole bunch of things, but I let it be. I thought about her for a while and talked about it with my mom(who has her own oppinions on the situation) on the way to her house, and then I took my behind home.

This is where it starts coming together; I thought back to a conversation I had a few months ago, where I was asked why is it that I like to help people and where does this need come from. After some conversational digging, it comes from the fact that no one is/was there to help me or be there for me so I like to fill that void with helping others. At the end of the convo, I realized I had to start to help myself out. But it didn't quite happen right away.

Well after listening to my aunt today talk about her situation, I started to feel the need to help her out to get her shit together. Then I decided to fall back and listen. I am unemployed, single, bored out of my mind and looking for ways to busy myself so that I won't think about myself. In actuality, all this "free time" I have was given to me to do just that: THINK.

I need to think about saving myself from myself and ACT on it.

I know I have things I need to deal with and be done with that I just bury and push to the side. I have all this time on my hands and I need to use it wisly. I rather look at myself and work it out then pay a shrink to do it... I also realized that No One will save me except for me and before I make any other decisions I should take this time to do it now.

So to you I say thank you again, because through the numerous conversations I have had, I learned not to BS and I have to make sure I don't BS myself on this one. And even though I hardly communicate now-a-days, I still hold dear previous conversations. "so eloquent our silences..."

I am on a quest to figure out what makes me beautiful.

Sincerely,
Just Me

I got this off postsecret and its the opposite of what I feel... I like waking up to do something

Too much free time is horrible...

This week I managed to keep busy with school work and my uncle being in the news (el diario & telemundo) but I hate having free time.

I just got out of class and was thinking of the coming week. Ok I have to job search and fix my apt. but honestly how much house work can I possibly do!?

And I need to find some friends cuz the few that I do have are begining to get annoyed with me even though they don't say it out loud. I can tell... Im becoming a Nuisance.... yes an annoyance... I hate not having a job but I think I needed the down time but it needs to end soon or I might jump off 4116.

I think tooo damn much about stupid bullshyt. I don't know how my dad can do this all day... sit @ home and watch tv... I need a hobby or something... I think I am going to plan myself some free trips - of the educational kind - to stimulate my mind because I am going to go nutz...

Ok so to keep busy I am going to go visit people today cuz I can't be in this apt any longer!

He, who by good deeds covers the evil he has done, illuminates this world like the moon freed from clouds. - Buddha

In this world the wise one holds onto confidence and wisdom. Those are the greatest treasures; all other riches are pushed aside. - Buddha

So to get motivated and focused I have done something unusual... I listened to a little motivational preaching from my cousin Emme's pastor. Honestly, I'm not big on church or anything, but that man got me going...

I need to have faith in my abilities which is something I am always battling. I was placed here for a reason and given gifts for a purpose, I just gotta have some faith that everything will be ok.

I need to keep busy... too much thinking is bad for me sometimes

Laughing at myself....

From one Thursday to the next my outlook on life has done a 180...

I understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol during stressful times... Sweet Jesus save me

I have never been so unmotivated in my life. Things were turning up and now they went back down again. I am getting super frustrated. I need to get focused again and get my mind right.

Trying to make it through the next month in one peice and I feel like shyt just keep getting harder by the day. I really want to drop out of school and dead Manhattanville all togehter but I can't because I have to prove them wrong. I really feel like they are setting me up for failure, which is why I know I have to go above and beyond and plan my steps carefully but I just keep slipping.

Yesterday I was on campus for a little while talking to my advisor and I ran into a few people and today I get a phone call from the pain in my ass vp saying I can't "roam the campus" and I am not suppose to be there unless I'm going to class. I thought I was in the clear but I guess not. I don't feel like going to class this weekend and I need to find some motivation to do this.

Shit happens for a reason but I can't see what it is. I just feel myself slippin...

All the evil in the world, and all the unhappiness, comes from the I-concept. - Ask the Awakened by Wei Wu Wei

In every person who comes near you look for what is good and strong; honor that; try to imitate it, and your faults will drop off like dead leaves when their time comes.-- John Ruskin (1819-1900) English Art Critic

Buddhist Thought of the Day:

It is not for us to search but to remain still, to achieve Immobility not Action. - Fingers Pointing Toward the Moon by Wei Wu Wei

Just when I thought my life had hit a major brick wall and was falling on my head while a 18 wheeler was backing up into it and rolling over me.... things started to turn around. I had a hectic day but I might have a job soon.

SO HAPPY... working on the damn resume

And Grey's is on tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally my Thursday nights are complete again... (sighing for some relief)

Justice is a certain rectitude of mind where by a man does what heought to do in circumstances confronting him.-- St. Thomas Aquinas

Buddhist Thought for 1/8/07:

Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play. - Heraclitus

Buddhist Thought for 1/7/07:

The Four Noble Truths are: 1. The world is full of suffering and stress. 2. The cause of this suffering and stress is desires of physical instincts. 3. If desire can be removed, then suffering and stress will be ended. 4. Desire can be removed by following the Eightfold Path: Right Views, Right Thoughts, Right Speech, Right Conduct, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration.

Buddhist Thought for 1/6/07:

The fourth step of the Eightfold Path is Right Conduct, meaning to keep the five precepts of not taking life, not taking that which is not given, not committing sexual misconduct, not lying, and abstaining from all forms of intoxication.

Horoscope for 1/6:

You have a wonderful combination of optimism and spirituality, Gidget. Of course you believe in miracles, as well as angels, Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. We support your attitude wholeheartedly! Today something may happen that only further solidifies your beliefs. Perhaps you are saved from stepping out in front of a bus by the whisperings of your guardian angel. Or you may receive a telepathic message that stops you from making a bad career mistake.


.............................

I am the type to believe in these things and I think I am currently getting a blessing in disguise. I got fired today and accused of stealing money. I am not a thief, nor have I ever had the need to steal. Especially since so many others have been accused and terminated for the same reason at the College.

I am not stupid enough to think I would be able to get away with stealing thousands of dollars, and plain and simple: My mother raised me better than this.

Lord knows why He does what He does and I put my faith in him for this one, but my heart is broken. I have devoted my whole heart and energy to working with the students and put my all into making sure that they are taken care of and now I can't be there to help anymore. My whole reason for even staying at this College was for them. My students are the few individuals that make me proud and actually bring tears to my eyes.

I have to go back and clear my name, because I will not fall victim to the rumor mill nor will I have anyone thinking that I am a thief.

This is some bullshit, but I am meant to be somewhere else and I am fully capable and competent enough to find a job. I'm so mad that my efforts and dedication have gone to nothing.

Happy 2007...

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities. - Dr. Seuss

Dissolve your whole body into Vision: become seeing, seeing, seeing! - Jalaluddin Rumi

Not the owner of many possessions will you be right to call happy: hemore rightly deserves the name of happy who knows how to use the Gods' gifts wisely and to put up with rough poverty, and who fears dishonor more than death.-- Horace (65-8 BC) Roman Poet

Todays Horoscope:

You may be walking around as if you have a huge pack of stones strapped on to your back, GIDGET. The further you walk with this heavy load, the slower and slower you will become, and the more hunched over you will be by the time you reach your destination. Don't take a step further until you have unloaded the stones from your pack. Realize that this break in your journey will help you make much better time in the long run, as well as save you from a great deal of physical strain.

is it really a happy new year? i think the same shyt is going to happen, just in different ways. ines calles me cynical but its just the truth, people are born and die everyday, and a lot of shyt happens inbetween. lets see what tomorrow brings...

It is important to recognize the power of our emotions--and to take responsibility for them by creating a light and positive atmosphere around ourselves. This attitude of joy that we create helps alleviate states of hopelessness, loneliness, and despair. Our relationships with others thus naturally improve, and little by little the whole of society becomes more positive and balanced. - Tarthang Tulku