Todat's horoscope:

Your emotions may surprise you today, as unexpected things come cropping up out of nowhere. Take this time to smooth out the wrinkles in your current plan of attack in regard to your involvement with the world around you. A self-centered approach will create boundaries between you and those you wish to come closer to. Consider how your actions are affecting those you love and make any necessary adjustments in your approach.

You are not happy because you are well. You are well because you arehappy. You are not depressed because trouble has come to you, but trouble has come to you because you are depressed. You can change your thoughts and feelings, and then the outer things will come to correspond, and indeed there is no other way of working. -- Emmet Fox

THIS which is seeking is THAT which is sought, and THAT which is sought is THIS which is seeking. 'All Else is Bondage; Non-Volitional Living' - Wei Wu Wei

Mediocrity always attacks excellence -- Guest on Oprah

Doll Face

Makes you think about imiage... gotta love wooster for this one

Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fibre of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.-- James Buckham



.....in the middle of a battle....

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. - The Beatles

Turn your mind away from things which are not permanent. - Buddha

Woke up this moring realizing some more things... I'm funny and I make myself laugh!

One of my two "loves" is never going to happen and I had stated that at some point I would have to put up a fight for something I wanted, but in his case I would be fighting in vain...

Its a lose lose situation and I am mentally preparing myself to let him go.


The other one just a plain and simple asshole who has something wrong with his brain and lost the balls to deal with me cuz I'm so complicated (this is just my assumption here) and only contacts me after a month or two without good sex. I am worth more than that... Thanks

The basic problem with these two retards is they share me and a friendship in common... Only I would get myself into such a mess.

SO MY NEXT STEP IS TO SAY GOODBYE! The ride was great but I have to get my act together and say "thanks for the ride boys but no mas"

Some day, in years to come, you will be wrestling with the greattemptation, or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But thereal struggle is here, now, in these quiet weeks. Now it is beingdecided whether, in the day of your supreme sorrow or temptation, you shall miserably fail or gloriously conquer. Character cannot be madeexcept by a steady, long continued process.-- Phillips Brooks (1835-1893) American Bishop

A few more thoughts on LOVE....


I think I just might be a little difficult to love, but I have a little love left to give.

Trying to give it a shot again right after going through what feels like getting shot is hard as fuck.

Then actually falling makes it worse, and very confusing.

It is possible to love two people, because I love each differently and for different reasons.

But neither one can handle or entirely hold my heart... Its already fucked up enough... but once I started to give it something seemed to go wrong...

So what can I do... at this point I have run out of parts to give... They both have a good chunk

Can I have the parts back? No.
Do I want them back? Sometimes

Would I be happier with one or the other? No
Both have their good and bad parts and both are different.

Is there one I would be in a relatioship with seriously again? Yes and No... depends on the circumstances

Wish you knew what they thought? Sometimes, in instances like today yes.

Wish either one never happened? No, I learned a lot from both expereinces about myself. Wouldn't do anything differently.

Think you are ment to be with anyone? I donno, Whats ment to be will be in the end....

Just when you think you have no more to give, you find some little scrap left....

I feel weird today... have been feeling all damn day.
Its because I have been thinking about each one... not in comparison cuz I can't do that, but just thinking

Then realizing why at the current moment I am better off ALONE.

But a girl has needs, but I can't let that get the best of me (guilty of slipping in the past)...

I'm not a perfect person.... faaaaaaar from it. Why is it the when it is soooo wrong, it feel soooo right?

In embracing my new found womanhood, I want to be someone's important someone. I don't want to be someone's girl... I want to be their Woman, Companion, Friend, Lover(giggles),...you know that person...

I love glowing becaue i'm in love... I was there once and it was beautiful
I love knowing I'm perfect to someone just for an instant... I loved hearing it and it was like music


I love the fact that one day, if and when I have kids (or borrow someone elses), I will be able to say "hey kid I was in love before... twice"


God it feels good to write all this out.


Its weird today because while I think of one, the other one creeps up in the back.
I like it when its quiet in my life but not for too long or I get stir crazy. There is always a new drama, unfortunately... there is always something. I keep thinking its over but I have to make sure its really over and keep my foot down when I say things.



But in the back of my head I can't help but wonder if all this is really a bunch of bullshit and out there somewhere there is a man who is going to knock me so far off my socks in love that I won't know what hit me.

I know the day will come where I will have to fight for what I really want... I hope I don't realize it too late and that I fight in vain.

Sometimes I wish things were easy but itf it was easy would it be worth it? Sometimes I just want a quiet life....

What is love really anyway... "black is the color of my true love's hair" (thanks Nina Simone).... Deep down I know who he (love) was...

So I survived Valentine's Day alone. Thank God its over. I spent all day yesterday making cards for people who won't get them (its snowed so I am not going outside anytime soon). I was doing fine all day and it seems that as soon as Feb 15th hit (23 min ago) I have started to have thoughts about this time last year.

I was a psycho girlfriend (now EX) and it wasn't fun. All those feelings of insecurity and confusion messed me up for the long haul. We didn't make it past the year mark cuz it all went down hill after February (I hate spelling this month... it annoys me cuz of my esl... just doesn't make sense when you say it... damn silent R).

I was thinking about the whole bull crap and I realized that I'm still hurting. It sucks... Nothing else to say about it but I'm trying to burry the hatchet. By hurting I mean the realtionship as a whole affected me, not just the part that made me go psycho.

"What you did in the past you gotta live with today" as Common put it in the song Faithful. I donno if he is dealing but I sure am.

I never wanna go back to being the person I was at that time in my life. I hated myself for because jealousy is an ugly ass look for me. I just wish men would be blunt, at least with me cuz then I would know what kinda shyt I was getting or got myself into.

I Love/Hate(ed) being in love. Thinking back to that time and that relationship burns a hole in my chest and brings tears to my eyes.

The worst feeling in the world is not being able to trust the person you gave your heart to.

So is it better to know when you are being deceived or is it better to live blindly?
Is is still deceit when the other person doesn't have a clue or what they don't know won't hurt them?
If its all going wrong, is it ok to just make things worse or shouldn't you just try to make things better?

I hate being taken advantage of... Please don't take advantage of me, even if its easy to do it. I'm nice but I'm not slow or stupid.

When its all said and done and you think its over, is it all really over?

(getting super irritated cuz my ipod earphones sound horrible)

I wish certain people would just be honest with themselves (out loud) and to the people they affect.

If its just about sex then make it clear. If its something else then make it clear. I HATE FUZZY.

I'm so frustrated and I think it all came about from reading an excert from Cicero's "On Duties."


Where is the sense of DUTY? ..... in the toilet for some... FUCK!!!! I HATE VALENTINES DAY JUST AS MUCH AS I HATE SPELLING FEBUARY!!!!! (yes is spelt it wrong)

I just want a lil Dedication... thanks Coltrane


Once again my theme song is RIcardo Arjona's "Amarte A Ti".... Amarte a ti no es lo mejor pero es perfecto.... Me hace sufrir, que buena suerte

Such is Life... What would it be without feelings... I'm glad to have felt the series of emotions I felt in 2006 from beginning to end....

When will it end...

Russian Rulet for a kiss anyone...

2/13
We have only to eliminate the ego-notion by succeeding in the difficult task of understanding that it does not exist except as a notion. - Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei

2/12
The Noble Eightfold Path: Right Views, Right Thoughts, Right Speech, Right Conduct, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration.

2/11
And just as men depend upon A boat for traversing the sea, So does the mental body need The matter-body for occurrence. And as the boat depends upon The men for traversing the sea, So does the matter-body need The mental body for occurrence. Depending each upon the other The boat and men go on the sea. And so do mind and matter both Depend the one upon the other. 'Visuddhimagga' (XVIII, 36)

All I want for tomorrow is a slow dance, a flower, and a kiss on the forehead.... That's it

Not to much to ask for right... hahaha

Hard things are put in our way, not to stop us, but to call out ourcourage and strength.-- Anonymous

Until a radical change takes place and we wipe out all nationalities, all ideologies, all religious divisions, and establish a global relationship - psychologically first, inwardly before organizing the outer - we shall go on with wars. - J. Krishnamurti

Thoughts while watching Sex and the City and the movie The Beach:

I am starting to get comfortable being single... By that I mean no dating, no boyfriend, no possible boos... NOTHING... Its not that bad but....


......there are 7 days til Valentine's Day and I really shouldn't care... But I am a female and last year this time was really crappy for me but I shouldn't think about the past... Moving along, next Wednesday will be just another day.

I should be busying myself with more important things than a silly excuse to buy chocolates and get flowers and silly cards.


I wish I was on a beach somewhere... I hate the cold weather, but spring will be here soon.

I realized I like to travel so that I can temporarily run away with the hopes of coming back to something different. Sometimes I just wanna get up and run away really really really far but I worry about grown up things like money and food and a place to stay.

I wish I was still carefree, but I grew up and became somewhat conservative. This sucks...

I'm gonna eb 25 and so far this year, 2007, has be as turbulent as the bermuda triangle....


I really wish I was on an island somewhere with no phone, no computer, no nothing... just long enough for me to... i donno...

Play your part in the comedy, but don't identify yourself with your role! - Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei

Despite the appearance of being separate individuals, we are all connected to patterns of intelligence governing the cosmos. - Deepak Chopra

Looking for jobs is soooo boring! I figured out I like marketing and thats a start I guess, but I gotta get my foot in the door. I had 2 interviews with a company and I have a 3rd one coming up... I AM THIS JOB! I WILL GET THAT JOB!... My motivational thinking as of late.... I really do want that job though, because I fit in very well with the company culture... AKA I don't have to dress up for work but still taken seriously... and there is room for upward movement. Its very horizontal and I know 2 people that I would be working with (sort of)

So I am busting my ass to get this job... cuz job hunting sucks ass...

Being suzie home maker is over rated and getting on my nerves, but I have a new appreciation for cleaning.

I havent done any fun free activities yet but I am trying to go outside... Hanging out at my moms house is getting old (and they want me to move back in HA!!!)

I need to move my car and do some dishes... OOOO my exciting life..

I need to make some moves!